Netflix series followed by the next, pint of ice-cream followed by the next… The ghosts of many individuals’ failed relationships speak to them through their iTunes music-playlists.

QUALITY OVER QUANTITY

Modern dating truly is a feat; a mentally and emotionally draining one for that matter. Living in San Diego, whilst attending a private university here, has forced me to observe a dating scene in what I would describe to be a “booze-hookup” culture. An individual living in San Diego has ample opportunities to meet potential partners in bars, clubs, night-life lounges, and many more events. It is unfortunate that this scene seems to be a primary place for such an important search, because as we all know, alcohol inhibits cognition. In this “booze-hookup” culture, two individuals meet while under the influence, either hookup immediately or soon after meeting, then break it off when things get “boring.” Then, they hop-on-over to one of their multiple other “backup” plans. There no longer is only a “Plan A” and “Plan B”; now, people have a Plan A, and a Plan B-Z. Quantity, rather than quality, seems to be the goal for many.

DATING MATURITY

Furthermore, from personal experience, I’ve noticed that dating college-men is an even more challenging task than dating post-graduate men. In other words, one college student dating another college student is an even tougher feat than one college student dating an older, graduated, individual that he/she met at a bar, or the like. From my knowledge, this holds true for two reasons. First, college is a four year opportunity for self-discovery, where most individuals do not have the experience nor knowledge to understand and/or recognize what it is that they desire in a romantic partner, let alone what they want to make out of their own lives. Secondly, greek life, which is essentially a lifestyle of partying and forced-socialization, in association with inhibiting influences (ie. alcohol, cannabis, and other drugs…) does not aid in the fostering any given individuals “dating maturity” nor dateable-qualities that old-souls, like myself, look for in a romantic partner.

EGO AND SELF-IMAGE

San Diego, and most of Southern California for that matter, has the reputation of having a great array of gorgeous, physically fit, men and women. An individual can not go out without spotting a multitude of attractive individuals in just one night. Although it may seem pessimistic, it holds true that the great majority of these “good-looking” people lack substance. They have superficial looks, however, they do not have anything of deep, authentic, intellectual quality that could/would add value to any given romance. Although it is cliche to note, looks do fade.

Women, prancing around in their stilettos and tight minidresses, have their plastic-surgeons’ phone numbers on speed-dial. They want to be liked and respected for what they possess “inside.” However, they get objectified, because they strut-about in manners that beg for them to be viewed, by men particularly, liked nice, juicy steaks. Many men, with their chests and egos elated, walk around as if they own the county. Men don’t want materialistic women who are hungry for the money and power that they possess. They want women to empower, trust, and admire them for what potential, characteristics, and qualities they also hold “inside.” In contrary to what they desire to attract in a woman, they dress in their nicest, most-expensive articles, because it fuels their ego and confidence. It is unfortunate that so many men and women portray false facades of themselves; I’d argue that every individual does this in some manner or another, albeit, some individuals do so far more than others. These false facades that both men and women put on, in-turn, attracts the polar opposite of what they actual desire, deep-down, to attract in a romantic partner.

CASUAL DATING

Social media, cell phones, and advancements in technology augment this modern problem even further. Social media allows individuals to continue portraying false-facade’s on multitudes of databases that receive great exposure. Dating apps, social media, and other technological advancements continuously promote new temptations for established (and establishing) relationships. They do this by fostering the mentality that there will always be better, hotter, smarter, more successful options that can be attained. What slips the mind of many is that all of those potentially “better” dating options are likely also putting on false-facades…especially online. People have a tendency to present the “best” and only the “best” of their manipulated selves online. I’d argue that everyone does this as well, albeit, to different degrees.

As a result of having such easy accessibility to dating “options,” via through both face-to-face interactions and through various online platforms, it is not uncommon to discover that an individual is seeing and/or dating many men and/or women at the same time as another. The slang-word, “side h**,” wasn’t mysteriously termed from a concept that doesn’t/hasn’t existed. It’s an ugly truth that most people have been (or currently are) guilty of this. These platforms make casual dating the norm, rather than the outlier, which is not conducive to the longevity nor the success or fulfillment of any given relationship. I’d argue that this is one of the greatest problems facing the dating scene for romantic relationships in this modern day. 

I wholeheartedly believe that it is impossible to dig within the depths of, let alone have full and utter trust, transparency, depth, and passion with, more than one relational partner at a time. 100% of an individuals time, attention, emotional, mental, and physical efforts, can not be divided among multiple relational “options” simultaneously. 100% of one whole can not be divided. Someone, or something, will always be sacrificed. In doing so, both parties feel less-fulfilled and are less-likely to pursue relationships long-term. When this occurs, the time and energy of both parties involved will have been wasted. Odds are in favor that one or both parties will be left feeling hurt, unfulfilled, and/or empty.

CONCLUSION

Modern dating is HARD to say the least! In fact, sometimes it can feel impossible. I can recall several instances where I had developed feelings for a man whom I was led to believe had admirable and mutual intentions for the formulating relationship. It was unfortunate to find that several times, after months and months of seeing one another, it ended abruptly… and for what appeared to be of no feasible fault of my own. Time and time again, it led me to dwell in insecurities that, sometimes, I didn’t even know that I had. Sadness and self-doubt would creep over me like ocean dews creep over rolling mountains on cold, misty, May mornings… like women creep on the profiles belonging to their exes’.

I felt all the more distraught when my relationships ended, because it threatened the control and ego that I so deeply identified with. There came a time when punching a martial arts bag, even for hours at a time, simply was not enough to mend my broken heart. It wasn’t until I had experienced failed attempts at relationships and relationships that did not pan-out as I had “planned” that I came to the realization that there were flaws in the ways that I had been approaching the dating scene. 

I felt emotionally fulfilled when I perceived that I had full and utter control over my relationships; it must be the bossy-nature in me. By simultaneously talking to a great quantity of men, I felt that I could retain that control. I always had a backup option, so I didn’t value any “main” man as I should have; men were disposable. However, with great quantity came minimal quality. This was, because no one man had received my full time, attention, and effort. Thus, the potential for any long-term, fulfilling relationship had flown out the door.

I use to hold a great sense of pride in knowing that I could get any guy I wanted, whenever I wanted. As mentioned, my ego was incredibly grandiose. I held no shame in flaunting the body that I had worked so hard for. I received great attention from men, albeit, it was not the type of attention that I had so eagerly longed for. My self-worth resided in my physicality and in feeling that I had power over my emotions, the men around me, and actually, all others around me. 

It took me a great deal of time to recognize that I had been fishing in the wrong “pond.” In the past, I would shit where I slept, so to speak. For instance, I would talk to boys from my same university. For reasons I previously mentioned, these college-boys lacked the degree of “dating maturity” that I liked and still do like. Although I had, and still do have, a lot to learn, my own level of “dating maturity” has developed and I am now more in-tune to the importance of solely giving my time and attention to men who swim in a comparable ponds of “dating maturity” to that of myself. There is truth in the phrase, “love never comes when you look for it.” However, by deliberately placing myself in ponds where the “fish” are capable (because they are of comparable dating maturity to that of myself) of feeding my relational needs, I now find that I have better-luck in attaining relationships that are closer to my ideal.

Lastly, having acquired a degree of experience and knowledge in regards to characteristics of casual dating, I’ve learned how to better-navigate this “booze-hookup” dating-culture that I am continuously surrounded by. I am now able to find joy and fulfillment in giving my attention, time, and effort into fostering a successful relationship with one quality man, rather than perpetuating multitudes of failed relationships, simultaneously, with many men.

It takes time, attention, and a great deal of effort to tune into what “pond” one “fishes” in. It is said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting the same results.” It is insanity to keep searching for “Mr./Mrs. “Right” in the same pond that one has had a multitude of failed relationships, or attempts at relationships, in. It is important to note that this hypothetical “pond” is subjective. However, when one does come to the realization that he/she needs to “fish” in a more-compatible pond, dating becomes far easier, more joyful, and more fulfilling.