Some people stab you, then go on to publicly gripe about how they are the ones who are bleeding. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, we have all, and will all, experience situations from both ends of this pain-spectrum. At one point in our lives or another, we are apt to act as the aggressor, and in other situations, the victim of such emotional agony. It is inevitable. The fact of the matter is that misery loves company; hurting people hurt people. Fortunately, whole people also heal people.

Take a moment… recall a time where you felt emotionally afflicted by another individual. Perhaps they insulted you, posted something degrading about you online, spread rumors about you, or even chastised you or the people that you love. It likely left you feeling hurt. Chances are, the person who drove you into such agony was experiencing a similar pain in his or her own life. We can define this as “self-projection.” People project onto others the thoughts and feelings they themselves are experiencing. Say for instance, a coworker of yours insulted your physical appearance. You felt hurt. However, what you can’t see is that your co-worker lacks self-confidence, because his wife hadn’t been attending to his emotional and physical needs to the extent which would bring him a sense of self-assurance. He projected his insecurity onto you, even though you had nothing to do with the culprit of instigating such insulting remarks.

When we feel overwhelmed by our feelings of hurt, we define ourselves as the victim of the aggressor. Our first instinct is not to go to the hospital called “empathy” to suture our stab-wounds, rather, we idly sit back in the puddles of our own blood which we call “self-victimization.” By defining ourselves as the “victim,” we choose to look through the spectacles of selfishness. In doing so, we reside in our own negative emotional-state, rather than focusing on that of the afflicters. We get so wrapped up in the perception of our own pain, that we forget to appraise the state(s) of anyone besides ourselves. What we fail to recognize, is that we are not the victim unless we define ourselves as such. In fact, the aggressor is the victim; we should feel bad for them, because evidently their life is so bad that they feel the need to bring everyone down with them. We have a choice… that is, to respond to the situation, rather than react to it.

Reacting, rather than responding, always leads to a downward spiral of negative events. Conflict escalates, people say things they can’t take back, and relationships get destroyed. All said and done, everyone ends up feeling worse in the end…not just the aggressor. At this point, you may be asking yourself, “I now know what not to do, but what should I do?” The answer stands in your ability to take an objective and analytical stance in such situations, rather than an emotional one. Understand that the person is hurting you, because they are hurting. Know that retaliation won’t mend the problem. Seek explanation in a non-defensive manner, and offer your support to those who are hurting. This is not to say that you need to adopt their destructive feelings in order to provide your support to them. It is to selflessly offer yourself and your understanding as a shoulder for them to lean on. Forgiving people who have hurt you is your gift to them.

Empathy, in the form of forgiveness, I believe, is the solution to both the healing of yourself and that of others. To forgive another being who has wronged you is a task that is nearly always easier said than done. It’s never “easy” to take an objective stance and not let yourself get offended, let alone place yourself in the shoes of the aggressor (particularly when you feel attacked). However, for the sake of your own mental and emotional state, it’s worth doing so.

Empathize with the hardship he/she is facing. View the situation objectively in order to avoid feeling attacked or getting offended by things that person likely wouldn’t mean when they weren’t hurting. Understand that their adverse reaction is merely a form of their own self-projection, not your own reflection. Forgive, because if you never heal from what hurt you, you will bleed onto the people who didn’t cut you. As difficult as it may be, forgiveness will bring a wholeness and a feeling of unity to both your mind and your spirit, as well as those of others. Remember that when you forgive, you heal. When you let go, you grow. Hurting people hurt people, and whole people heal people. The choice to empathize and forgive is yours. What will you choose?